my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
