I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
