bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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