i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
