you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
