it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
