it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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