People with herpes should wear stickers.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
