it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
How's work?
Spinning.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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