There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
