I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
