The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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