I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize