Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
