3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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