you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
