I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
