I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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