I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
