I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
