if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
