just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
