If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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