wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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