What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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