I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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