we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
