4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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