took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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