These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
