So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
