I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
