i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize