Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
