My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
