I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
