and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I will be naked everywhere
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
