bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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