Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
