i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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