After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I currently don't understand fingers.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
