So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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