you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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