24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i drank out of a bidet.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The Olympian is in my bed
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
