The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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