3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He felt like a one man threesome
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
