The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
