just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
