Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
