Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
