Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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