Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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