Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize