Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
