even my farts smell like vagina
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
