shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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