EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
