just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
