Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The ass gains better be worth it
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