Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
