my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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