Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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