I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i already hear my dad disowning me
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
