I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
