i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
me + whiskey = a bad person
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
