I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He passed out mid-signature
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize