pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
