Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
