We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
