There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize