Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
