You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
