You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
