the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
