We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
